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I’m Still Here.

I am sad. 

I dressed in bright clothing. 

I’m engaging in conversation. 

I have a smile on my face. 

I am sad. 

I accepted the invite to your party. 

I had drinks with you last week. 

I texted you first. 

I am sad. 

I feel good. 

I feel okay. 

I think I am happy. 

I am sad.

Depression is not always visible. It’s not like the lipstick you wear. The glasses on your face or your new shoes. Some of the happiest people on the outside are screaming to die on the inside. There are many different reasons why someone doesn’t want to show their depression to others. Me? There are 2 main reasons:

1. I feel like I am a burden. I feel like telling you that I don’t feel happy is just bothering you. You don’t care, right? You don’t have resources to help, right? You’ll just send me to someone who wants to drug me up and put me in a locked room again. Right?

2. You’ll tell me to get over it. This is just a phase, like bangs. You’ll roll your eyes and say ‘you can’t be sad, it’s the new year!!’ ‘Think of all the amazing things that are going to happen. You have a son who loves you and you need to be strong for him!!’ Those are true. But I am sad. 

I struggle almost every day. It may not be all day, every day, but it’s always there… depression is always there. Lurking in the background just waiting for the best time to come hold my hand. I struggle every day but I also fight every day. I fight for my son. For my family and friends. For my fiancé. But most of all, I fight for me. 

Sia said it best. 

“The past it haunted me

The past it wanted me dead

The past tormented me

But the battle was lost

‘Cause I’m still here”

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